When a Man Goes Car Shopping Alone

newcar

Five years ago, when B and I got married, I was looking at life through rose-colored glasses. Then the Great Recession happened, and those rose-colored glasses flew off my face before I could utter a word. It was a rough time all around for us and for many people we knew. Luxuries were off the table. For some of us, they were off the table until only recently.

When B brought up wanting to buy a car, we talked about the all of the pros and cons, and the pros far outweighed the cons. We needed a second car because of where we live. Plus, he had some leverage walking into a dealership that made me feel better. He tested the waters and mentioned wanting a Benz. I gave him the evil eye. That man knows how to push my buttons.

So when he said he was just “going to look at some cars” the other day, I thought nothing of it. Sure, he’ll get a used car, call me about it, we can go look at it together and take it home.

Mistake número uno: Never let a man go car shopping alone.
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Things I Don’t Understand vol. 2

If you wanna read the first list of things I don’t understand, you can catch up here.

Why Walmart can’t fix their shitty shopping carts. I mean, it’s not like they don’t have the money, right?

Why I wash off all the oil from my hair to only slather Argan oil on the ends. Why?

Why we park on driveways, yet drive on parkways. Why?

Why the people who tailgate are never pulled over for speeding, but the second I enter a speed zone 10mph slower, the cops are after me. Why?

Hypocrites. Why hypocritical people can’t stand their flaws in other people. Does it bother you that they have that flaw, or does it bother you that you have that flaw? In that case, does criticizing the other person with the flaw that you both share make you a better person?

Nosy people. Correction: nosy people who don’t have any shame in their game. Look, if you’re going to stare at me, or eavesdrop on my conversation, OR sneak a peek at my utility bills on my kitchen table, up your game. Be stealthier about it. If you’re a friend or family member, it just makes me not want to have you around. If you’re neither, GTFO.

Why, with the 5M dog toys at home (and the 2M I pack for road trips) Daisy instead chooses to munch on rugs, tassels, and paper towels. What did the rug ever do to you? Does it smell/taste like chicken to you?

Why am I still surprised to see friends my age no longer married to the person they were married to only 2 years ago? I swiftly entered the age where many of my old friends and acquaintances are entering the dating scene after already having been married. To quote Rachel:

kickyouinthecrotchspitonyourneckfantastic

Why do dentists and dental hygienists insist on having conversations with you when their fingers are in your mouth?

Why do hair dryers have warnings against using the unit in the shower? Who in their right mind has actually tried this? Isn’t the whole point of being in the shower that you’re constantly wet? Why do you need a hair dryer? (Yes, I know they’re there because of lawsuits, but still. C’mon).

Linking up with Juliette

Would you rather…

1. Be blind or be deaf?

This is a tough one. It’s a sensitive topic and that last thing I would want is for anyone to think I am insensitive in writing about it. Given that I’m a musician (and actually have a college degree in vocal performance) I would be utterly devastated to be deaf. If singing was not such a personal identifier for me, I wouldn’t mind being deaf as I’m a highly visual person as well. I could still sing while blind (hi Andrea Bocelli), so being blind is my final answer.

2. Be taller than you are or shorter than you are?

Given that I’m 5-foot-2 on a GOOD day I would rather be taller. Shopping something that fits my petite frame is hard outside of LOFT. Besides, the most glamorous clothes are made for long torsos.

3. Be a teenager or a senior citizen for the rest of your life?

Ugh. The youth is truly wasted on the young. I would rather be a senior citizen. People are surprised at how “old” I act in real life (I’ve always been an old soul). It’s something I’ve been thinking lately…how I would love to be a teenager with all the knowledge people learn over the course of a lifetime. Think about it. You work and work and work all your life, and the one time when you have money to spend however you wish, you’re OLD. Why can’t we be born like Benjamin Button and have the best years of our lives towards the end?

4. Have no hands or no legs?

little-mermaid-legs

I’m a terrible dancer. I’d venture to say that I don’t even like dancing. I have so many problems walking between tripping and losing my balance on a day to day basis that I think not having legs might actually increase my lifespan. I currently have a welt on my shin from banging it into the opened dishwasher door from 3 weeks ago.

5. Lose your front teeth or both eyebrows?

Did you guys know that one of those is actually one of my biggest fears in life? Eyebrows I can deal with losing (although the painted on kind give me the creeps). But teeth? $##!@. One of my biggest fears (besides childbirth) is losing any teeth. Maybe it’s all the years of tooth extractions, braces, and dental surgeries. But I would hate to lose my front teeth. So, eyebrows it is.

6. Eat a worm or a cockroach?

Seriously? Eff you guys for asking this question. I’d rather slurp up a worm Timone & Puumba style and embrace ignorance as I convince myself it tasted like chicken.

7. Spend a day in the Sahara or North Pole?

Frozen's Elsa's sexy walk ice castle

North Pole. It matches my icy heart. Just kidding. But really, being this princess would be awesome. Not to mention that my best hair days are always when the air is cold. Enough said.

8. Have a personal chef or a personal driver?

Personal chef. I love driving, and my creativity in the kitchen is lacking.

9. Always have to whisper or always have to shout?

Whisper. I don’t see the need to yell all the time.

10. Can’t taste or can’t smell?

Ask a foodie this question and not tasting would be devastating. I’m not a foodie, but I can tell you I rather taste my food than smell it. I can deal with not smelling anything.

11. Wipe with sandpaper or saran wrap?

Really cute. Saran wrap. Moving on.

12. Have Twitter shut down for a day or your blog disappear for a day?

Twitter can go away for a day and I’d survive. I actually just moved my site to A Small Orange and I can’t say enough good things about their customer service! Right now they have a 25% off midsummer sale for web-hosting. I highly recommend them!

13. Text of your blog is screwed up or all the pictures you post on your blog are blurry?

I can deal with blurry pictures for a hot second. Text? What’s the point of having a blog or website? Father Google says content is king. And what Google says is the law of the land.

14. Never be able to post another GIF or never be able to receive comments on your posts?

You know, the only reason I put in two GIFs in this blog post was because of this question. I like comments, but I also like GIFs. I’d break up with GIFs if it was completely necessary.

15. Have a permanent wedgie or have the tag on your shirt constantly scratch your neck?

This question. I just can’t. Sorry ladies, I know you said we had to choose, but I refuse to choose either hellacious situation in this question. Neither.

Linking up with Juliette