It doesn’t get any shittier than this…

This post may or may not lose me some followers, but if you can’t have me at my worst, well then you can’t have me at my best either. Up until Friday, I thought this shit was an urban legend.

Last Friday I was still nursing a nasty cold.  (FYI if you have a never-ending cough, Delsym is the shit.)  Why so much “shit” in this post you may ask?  Well, it’s about shit.

I was just minding my own business, planning away in my little planner, all excited about my hopes for the direction this little blog will be taking, and texting with my BFF.  I also started up this regimen of taking omega-3 supplements in the form of fish oil.  I could go on and on about the health benefits of omega-3 but I won’t.  Because I’ve reeled you in and you don’t care about that shit.  However, one unforeseen (and not mentioned on the bottle) is the added “ease” of pooping.  (Really, like the title of this post didn’t give it away?)

I thought I was gonna have another SBD (silent but deadly for you prudes) but boy was I in for a surprise.  Imagine my disgust when that felt a little too warm.  I froze.

It couldn’t be, right? And then, realization hits.  Out of morbid curiosity (and disbelief) I reach down…and…

 

…my worst fears confirmed.  A warm and gooey and glorious shart.

What is a shart?

Ermahgeerrd.  As if that weren’t bad enough, I get up and look at my chair.

There’s a big ‘ol stain where I sharted.  I waddled to my bathroom and sat on the toilet.  Holy shit.  Before I hopped in the shower I, of course like a normal person, felt compelled to give my BFF blackmail material.

I almost didn’t even blog about this, but then my little Southern belle Alexa convinced me to do it.  She even was OK with letting me share with you her sharting story.  Here’s a recap of our Gchat convo:

Me: Would you read a post about….sharting? (As if I have to ask).

Alexa: YES.  I totally sharted in a restaurant once when Glenn and I were eating. Super horrifying. And I had to throw my underwear away and I still miss them.  And yet, he still married me. He’s a keeper!

Me: OMG. I thought this shit was made up.

Alexa: Until you do it.  hahahaha. Mine was just last year. Color me awesome.

Me: At least yours didn’t go through your pants and onto your chair. I was a wee scared.

Alexa: Ummmm it went through my dress and yes it did get on the chair. I had to skidaddle to the bathroom in the middle of a busy lunch hour.

Me: hahahhahahah….omg

Alexa: Gray dress. Favorite white underwear. Bathroom across the restaurant.  Wooooop I’m classy.

Me: You had a SKID mark on your dress?! hahahahhha.  I’m crying.

Alexa: Yaaaaa that shit happened, literally.  I died inside that day. And now it’s hilarious to me.

So, ladies and gentlemen.  I hope I haven’t scared you away.  But knowing you, you probably are a secret closet freak enjoying this crap and gleefully asking for more.
So, tell me about it!


Comments

  1. says

    BAHAHA…..my husband has done this..more than once! And seeing him waddle away is priceless. I do feel sorry for you though having this happen to you..is the chair ok? HAH

  2. says

    this is amazing.
    like beyond amazing.
    i’m so glad you shared.
    and – i am totally laughing at you.
    because if you can’t laugh at people sharting i don’t know what you can laugh at anymore. AND – if it makes you feel any better i was battling explosive diarrhea all weekend.

  3. says

    Oh my goodness, I laughed so hard. This has never happened to me and I thought it was a myth too, if it ever does happen to me I hope I can laugh about it eventually.
    -Maia

  4. Anonymous says

    My boyfriend sharted the bed one night! We had to change the sheets around midnight and he looked like a 2 year old as he ran to the bathroom clutching his underwear. All he kept doing was saying I’m sorry and I just laughed while saying I couldn’t believe that just happened! He would kill me if he knew I was posting this!

  5. says

    hahaha i’m dying! love reading a post like this :) just found your blog and it’s wonderful!

    -Emma
    chasingtexas.blogspot.com

  6. says

    hahaha yes, this definitely made my day! I needed a good laugh :) I’m so glad people blog things like this, it makes you that much more awesome! And Alexa you make me laugh, your posts are some of my favorite to read!

  7. says

    This is so awesome lol. I don’t feel as alone now (it’s definitely happened to me!). And um yeahh… you just gained a follower with this!

  8. says

    HAHAHAHAHA … Didn’t the shart happen in Along Came Polly? Hahahaha~! They had to leave the art museum b/c the costar (forgot his name) sharted in his pants!! aww you girls are brave to post it and of course did’t lose any followers.. why would you? :D

  9. says

    Hahahaha. I have thankfully never shafted but I have peed my pants, and that is also pretty embarrassing. It is much better if you can laugh at yourself…makes for a much happier person :)

  10. says

     Hi, great post. Not funny at the time, but funny to read. lol I found you through the blog hop. Please stop  by and say hi when you get a chance.  .Be sure and check out my new Blog Hop that started. It’s Weekly Goals Link Up. It’s a great way to stay on track. Have a great day. :) Now following you. 

  11. says

    hahahahaha I laughed so much reading this and so glad you shared! It’s something that happens to way more people and they just aren’t brave enough to admit it. So you’ve made me brave enough, happened to me once, too. Terrible! And I totally had to throw away the underwear and the were some of my faves

  12. says

    This is urmazing! I have yet to do this, somehow, but my poor (very self-conscious) 8 year old did while we were hiking last year. She calls it ‘fruited’, and it’s a running family joke.

  13. says

    I’ve done it in a restaurant. It was soooo embarrassing. Luckily enough, no residual issues left on the chair. But I had to throw the nice undies away. :(

  14. says

    I’m dying. Errrrrrrrybody’s been there, done that. I think the fact that you’ve blogged about sharting confirms that you’re the coolest person I know.

  15. says

    Eeeeee! This is HILARIOUS. Kudos to you for writing about sharting, it’s awesome!

    And thanks for linking up for Friday Funnies, I think this was my favorite post!

  16. Faith Bowyer says

    I seriously can’t stop laughing. Oh my lord, oh my lord, oh my lord.
    This is just amazing.

Share Your Thoughts