It doesn’t get any shittier than this…

This post may or may not lose me some followers, but if you can’t have me at my worst, well then you can’t have me at my best either. Up until Friday, I thought this shit was an urban legend.

Last Friday I was still nursing a nasty cold.  (FYI if you have a never-ending cough, Delsym is the shit.)  Why so much “shit” in this post you may ask?  Well, it’s about shit.

I was just minding my own business, planning away in my little planner, all excited about my hopes for the direction this little blog will be taking, and texting with my BFF.  I also started up this regimen of taking omega-3 supplements in the form of fish oil.  I could go on and on about the health benefits of omega-3 but I won’t.  Because I’ve reeled you in and you don’t care about that shit.  However, one unforeseen (and not mentioned on the bottle) is the added “ease” of pooping.  (Really, like the title of this post didn’t give it away?)

I thought I was gonna have another SBD (silent but deadly for you prudes) but boy was I in for a surprise.  Imagine my disgust when that felt a little too warm.  I froze.

It couldn’t be, right? And then, realization hits.  Out of morbid curiosity (and disbelief) I reach down…and…

 

…my worst fears confirmed.  A warm and gooey and glorious shart.

What is a shart?

Ermahgeerrd.  As if that weren’t bad enough, I get up and look at my chair.

There’s a big ‘ol stain where I sharted.  I waddled to my bathroom and sat on the toilet.  Holy shit.  Before I hopped in the shower I, of course like a normal person, felt compelled to give my BFF blackmail material.

I almost didn’t even blog about this, but then my little Southern belle Alexa convinced me to do it.  She even was OK with letting me share with you her sharting story.  Here’s a recap of our Gchat convo:

Me: Would you read a post about….sharting? (As if I have to ask).

Alexa: YES.  I totally sharted in a restaurant once when Glenn and I were eating. Super horrifying. And I had to throw my underwear away and I still miss them.  And yet, he still married me. He’s a keeper!

Me: OMG. I thought this shit was made up.

Alexa: Until you do it.  hahahaha. Mine was just last year. Color me awesome.

Me: At least yours didn’t go through your pants and onto your chair. I was a wee scared.

Alexa: Ummmm it went through my dress and yes it did get on the chair. I had to skidaddle to the bathroom in the middle of a busy lunch hour.

Me: hahahhahahah….omg

Alexa: Gray dress. Favorite white underwear. Bathroom across the restaurant.  Wooooop I’m classy.

Me: You had a SKID mark on your dress?! hahahahhha.  I’m crying.

Alexa: Yaaaaa that shit happened, literally.  I died inside that day. And now it’s hilarious to me.

So, ladies and gentlemen.  I hope I haven’t scared you away.  But knowing you, you probably are a secret closet freak enjoying this crap and gleefully asking for more.
So, tell me about it!
  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05011046183496688182 Rachel Silski

    BAHAHA…..my husband has done this..more than once! And seeing him waddle away is priceless. I do feel sorry for you though having this happen to you..is the chair ok? HAH

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06920454010509077779 Nadine Mathews

    So, I have to ask…are you still taking the supplements? Shit cracks me up. No pun intended ;)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03269175769553646142 shannon

    this is amazing.
    like beyond amazing.
    i’m so glad you shared.
    and – i am totally laughing at you.
    because if you can’t laugh at people sharting i don’t know what you can laugh at anymore. AND – if it makes you feel any better i was battling explosive diarrhea all weekend.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02177418482290369617 Bre @ Peacoats and Plaid

    Oh my gosh Lisette, hahahahaha! We once had to leave a bar in a hurry because my husband sharted. And also once because he puked on the floor. I’m so lucky :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06368820152594487048 Maia W

    Oh my goodness, I laughed so hard. This has never happened to me and I thought it was a myth too, if it ever does happen to me I hope I can laugh about it eventually.
    -Maia

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16085542736136948471 Alexa

    Dying dying dying. And loving all at the same time. Shame if just not the way to live your life!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13206332626418265724 Kelsey Eaton

    Oh my word! You’re my hero!! HAHAHA

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02464453783867126747 LB @ Table For One

    O.M.G. dying. Hahahahaha.

  • ♥ Marcy ♥

    I AM FUCKING DYING! THIS IS AMAZING!!!!

  • ♥ Marcy ♥

    I AM FUCKING DYING! THIS IS AMAZING!!!!

  • ♥ Marcy ♥

    I AM FUCKING DYING! THIS IS AMAZING!!!!

  • ♥ Marcy ♥

    I AM FUCKING DYING! THIS IS AMAZING!!!!

  • ♥ Marcy ♥

    I AM FUCKING DYING! THIS IS AMAZING!!!!

  • ♥ Marcy ♥

    I AM FUCKING DYING! THIS IS AMAZING!!!!

  • ♥ Marcy ♥

    I AM FUCKING DYING! THIS IS AMAZING!!!!

  • ♥ Marcy ♥

    I AM FUCKING DYING! THIS IS AMAZING!!!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06010083161344170854 Amanda*

    OH MY GODDDD. Dyingg over here!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17525958667762567812 mary_smith

    Holy crap! I almost just peed myself at work laughing…LMFAO!!!
    You just made my day and my patients think I’m crazy!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06166642847023690501 Kendahl Lanai

    I think my laughter probably just pissed off my whole office. This is amazing.

  • Anonymous

    My boyfriend sharted the bed one night! We had to change the sheets around midnight and he looked like a 2 year old as he ran to the bathroom clutching his underwear. All he kept doing was saying I’m sorry and I just laughed while saying I couldn’t believe that just happened! He would kill me if he knew I was posting this!

  • Your Doctor’s Wife

    That is hysterical!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03481799999447192285 smk053078

    OMG!!!!!!!! Girl, you are one brave kitty cat!!! This is the rawest post ever!!! And I laughed and related on so many levels!!!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07281689617194191990 Helene

    ahhhhhh i don’t know if i would be brave enough to post about that…well shit.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14585681189196096870 Kelly Ann

    This legitimately made me laugh out loud at work, whoops! I would never EVER have the guts to post about it but good on you!

    xx
    Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07524395270879857672 Emma

    hahaha i’m dying! love reading a post like this :) just found your blog and it’s wonderful!

    -Emma
    chasingtexas.blogspot.com

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15178628244899410565 Abbey

    I love you for posting this, hahaha. Us and our poop/fart/sharting post, bahaha. You are amazing.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07744107353075780667 Alexandra Lackey

    hahahah this is just hysterical! made my day! lol

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06857915848836095251 Breanna

    Bahahaha! This is definitely blog-worthy material!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13869128818319260680 Mandy

    hahaha yes, this definitely made my day! I needed a good laugh :) I’m so glad people blog things like this, it makes you that much more awesome! And Alexa you make me laugh, your posts are some of my favorite to read!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12702603642296991017 lil desiqua

    This is so awesome lol. I don’t feel as alone now (it’s definitely happened to me!). And um yeahh… you just gained a follower with this!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10527599200804232042 Sarah Kil

    HAHAHAHAHA … Didn’t the shart happen in Along Came Polly? Hahahaha~! They had to leave the art museum b/c the costar (forgot his name) sharted in his pants!! aww you girls are brave to post it and of course did’t lose any followers.. why would you? :D

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05645945805280545865 Jackie

    Hahahaha. I have thankfully never shafted but I have peed my pants, and that is also pretty embarrassing. It is much better if you can laugh at yourself…makes for a much happier person :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03798775040696146389 Amy

    HAHAHAHAHA! I absolutely love this!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12393022066759499171 Lenetta Carnes

     Hi, great post. Not funny at the time, but funny to read. lol I found you through the blog hop. Please stop  by and say hi when you get a chance.  .Be sure and check out my new Blog Hop that started. It’s Weekly Goals Link Up. It’s a great way to stay on track. Have a great day. :) Now following you. 

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12364536486710359839 Wine and Summer

    Omg this is hilarious! No, this will not lose you followers! In fact, you have gained a new one!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04637020099477925075 ifs ands Butts

    hahahahaha I laughed so much reading this and so glad you shared! It’s something that happens to way more people and they just aren’t brave enough to admit it. So you’ve made me brave enough, happened to me once, too. Terrible! And I totally had to throw away the underwear and the were some of my faves

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06290711416361365454 bailey j

    a girl who can write about sharting is a girl i can follow.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11348347079276323624 TheVagabondStudio

    This is urmazing! I have yet to do this, somehow, but my poor (very self-conscious) 8 year old did while we were hiking last year. She calls it ‘fruited’, and it’s a running family joke.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16919079134282687094 Adrienne Rose

    I’ve done it in a restaurant. It was soooo embarrassing. Luckily enough, no residual issues left on the chair. But I had to throw the nice undies away. :(

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02593086869225088347 Beth K.

    I’m dying. Errrrrrrrybody’s been there, done that. I think the fact that you’ve blogged about sharting confirms that you’re the coolest person I know.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15581299369800549161 alesha

    Eeeeee! This is HILARIOUS. Kudos to you for writing about sharting, it’s awesome!

    And thanks for linking up for Friday Funnies, I think this was my favorite post!

  • http://www.sassyinsequins.com/ Emily @ Sassy in Sequins

    Bahahaha! I can honestly say I’ve never sharted. I totally just jinxed myself, I’m sure.

  • Faith Bowyer

    I seriously can’t stop laughing. Oh my lord, oh my lord, oh my lord.
    This is just amazing.